so far this round of chemo seems to be going possibly even more smoothly than the first (maybe because i got the first infusion 48 hours after having 3 surgical procedures, you think?). yesterday, i felt really good- almost so good that i started to wonder if the drugs had really gone in. i had energy, my spirits were up- at least until liddy woke up from her nap and came to cuddle. this is usually one of my favorite times of day, but yesterday, and who knows why, she made my heart sink as she cuddled into my lap and said “mommy, i feel it kicking, my baby, it’s kicking”. oh man. i knew i hadn’t really been dealing with that part of our loss very much or well, but i can’t ignore it from a 2 1/2 year old. she didn’t say any more about it. neither did i. it just made me think a lot about all of the adjustments we’ve asked her to go through over these last weeks. overall, she’s shining through. she laughs constantly. she dances several times a day. she threw a temper tantrum yesterday crying “i miss everybody, who’s coming to visit me?” this morning she wanted to know who was asleep in the basement. it’s so amazing how much comfort she gets from all of our friends and family. i do too.
in case you haven’t heard it enough, thank you all.
later today, i will don my new heart covered scarf from carley wrapped around my puffy prednisone face and go to celebrate suzanne’s birthday. and i will hug danny and kiss the back of his neck and try to remind him how much i love him and how much i need him on this hallmark made up day of love, even when i’m cranky and full of toxins and full of scary thoughts and full of cloudiness in my head.
there’s a lot of clarity there too.
13 Comments
February 14, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Found your blog last week, and you and your family have been in my prayers ever since. Glad to hear that round 2 went more smoothly.
Heart covered scarves are the way to go! Happy Valentine’s Day!
February 14, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Thankful that your Chemo has went well so far. We will believe it will continue to do so.
You have a beautiful family. I look forward to your updates and reading about your miracle recovery.
February 14, 2007 at 10:33 pm
happy valentines to all of you. Next year, celebrate not with toxins but with boxes of chocolate. I feel very strongly that there WILL be a next year.
February 14, 2007 at 11:17 pm
It’s so good to hear from you! I’m glad you’re kickin butt. Hopefully we’ll be able to bring you another five-star five-course meal soon! (And cookies, of course!)
February 15, 2007 at 1:40 am
Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your beautiful family.
I wore my pink bra today in solidarity.
February 15, 2007 at 7:59 am
I think there is some kind of inner button we have that makes us unable to deal with every aspect of horror all at once. Right now you are just having to deal with the treatment and breathing and all that jazz, mourning your baby is there, it’s just taking a back seat while you fight. Does it help to know that we are sad for you? That we are trying to fight with you and hoping and praying that you keep having every ounce of strength you are showing right now so you can kick this mean sickness right where it hurts? Meawhile that delightful girlie one you have is keeping it all so real and down to earth, little kids are the very best aren’t they? Helen.
February 15, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Dearest Lydia, I will come and play with you again in the basement very soon. I hope you had fun with Signe last night. You are a very, very special girl. Please sqeeze and cuddle your mommy and daddy for me and blanket them is love while I am gone for a short time to visit my mommy and daddy. Hazel and the fish say HI. Endless love, Auntie Chris
February 15, 2007 at 3:42 pm
I feel that there is a part deep within us that in our darkest days shines and allows us to have clarity. Even though your days may be tough, we can see that you have the strength to push through and beat this. Grief has to be there as well but it has to be second to getting well. Good luck, warm wishes and many prayers.
February 15, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Leanne, it was great to “hear” your voice again after so long. You’re on the mend! Stay strong, and keep smiling. I hope you had a nice “Hallmark made-up day of love”!
February 16, 2007 at 12:19 am
Thank you for reminding me about the importance of letting my man know I need him and love him – even if it isn’t a Hallmark holiday…xoxoxoxo
February 16, 2007 at 6:01 am
Leanne you are a beautiful human being inside and out. May your healing continue. Dan is very lucky to have found you as his soul mate. Wishing you both a long life together.
Lots of love,
Eva
February 16, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Sending wishes and hopes of continued healing. Thank you for sharing so openly with us, you have become an inspiration in my life…a beacon.
OH, are you able to eat chocolate? If not, bummer…a woman NEEDS chocolate.
February 18, 2007 at 7:09 pm
I’m so glad you had a good day following the chemo. I hope they are all like that!!