five months ago leanne and i finally got pregnant
after trying for what seemed like so long.
she was tired, sure. but who isn’t tired chasing
a two year old around while carrying a pregnancy.
she was carrying around so much more than that.
in bed she started scratching.
not just one place,
but her whole body – her back and her arms, her legs, her chest.
she told me how she’d take her shoes off in the car
just to scrape the bottom of her feet on the pedals.
and the itching didn’t stop,
no matter how hard she scratched.
she scratched so much that she got rashes.
cancer, when in the lymphatic system, does these things.
and leanne knew that. she had looked it up online,
even when the doctors were saying it was just a virus.
she knew.
ari and chris, our two neighbors who also double as
an oncologist and an obgyn
knew.
my stepdad, who’s also a wise old doctor,
knew.
not that anyone’s to blame. nothing would be
different
had anyone said a thing.
it’s just funny how when you know something’s right
you can’t bring yourself
to believe it
because you want
so desperately
for it not to be true.
ari told me that if he had seen leanne in his office
he would’ve known immediately.
but in our house, he didn’t. he couldn’t. he wouldn’t.
—–
i don’t itch. and i don’t scratch.
those of you who know me can vouch for this.
i may pick from time to time…
but i, i started scratching too.
only one place though, the place on my calves
where the tops of my socks hit,
from there
on down.
like my blood supply was being cut off.
in the middle of the night we’d both be up, scratching in our bed.
i love how my body did that
to be with leanne.
——
last night we slept.
lydia still will not sleep alone,
so she slept between us in our bed.
and nobody scratched.
in fact, and we thought about this last night,
leanne hasn’t scratched in days.
the lymph nodes on the side of her face
are barely visable.
maybe it’s working.
scratch that,
something IS working.
11 Comments
January 24, 2007 at 3:18 pm
I’ll take some sympathy itches for the team, too, if it helps.
Keep it up Lee, we’re all rooting for you.
January 24, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Sometimes our bodies have to hit us over the head before we recognize (or admit) that something is wrong.
If I was winded while hiking in the mountains – I am old and out of shape.
If I was winded climbing the stairs – I am old and out of shape.
A black stool? Oh, that’s not right. Call the doctor, leave a message. The doctor calls back. Come in to see me. I say I can’t I have to go to Washington to give a presentation. He says your’e bleeding you need to see me! I credit him for saving my life. It is because of him my bleeding ulcer and hence my cancer was discovered.
January 24, 2007 at 7:37 pm
YES! YES! YES! Go Lee Go!!!
January 24, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Leanne,
I have been here every day – reading, crying, wishing there was more any of us could do. Thank you for allowing us to follow your journey without feeling too intrusive. If you write, we will read. If you don’t we will wait.
This weekend Scott and Amy came home from India. We got together, had a big meal and toasted to you, Dan, and Lydia – and to life. And we cried. All I can hope is that the energy spent in all the recent tears is transformed into healing energy for you.
Sending many good thoughts your way,
Catherine Bilyeu
Catherine Bilyeu
January 25, 2007 at 1:13 am
Dear Dan and Leanne,
I don’t know why I am writing, since I hardly know you. Perhaps to let you know how your writing and what you are going through is affecting someone you barely know.
I met you both at Marla and Eric’s wedding. I was Marla’s friend who also played “wedding coordinator” that weekend; I specifically remember meeting you, Dan, when you were coming back from Eric’s hike — you were with my fiance (now husband) Paulie and our friend Jon, and I remember you saying something that cracked me up. I really enjoyed talking to your mom that weekend as well, and saw her a little awhile ago at Chochmat. She came over to me and said hi; at first when I saw her, I knew I had met her but couldn’t place her. Then, before she came over, I had remembered “oh yeah, that’s Marla’s brother-in-law’s mother.” Whatever.
When Marla first shared this news with me, I cried with her on the phone. It is probably not helpful to say this, but my mother died of breast cancer four and a half years ago. Cancer has touched me, too, and I relate so well to what you are going through. Whenever I hear that someone I know is either going through it, or someone close to them is, I cry all over again, for my mom, and what she went through, for my dad, who lost his life partner of 40 years, and for me, who recently got married — perhaps the happiest day of my life — yet, felt such a great emptiness on that day that she was not there to share it with me.
While my mom did die of this horrible disease, at age 62, it was her third occurence. For all my adult life, my mom was a cancer survivor. It first appeared when she was 41, I was 13, and she beat it with a lumpectomy and radiation. It came back when she was 51. She beat it that time too, with a mastectomy and chemo. I was 21 at this time, and due to the nature of the disease and what we knew, I seriously began to contemplate life without her. Luckily, it was not her time then, either.
I feel like I learned so many things from her during this time as well as about myself — way too much to post on your blog. The one thing I will advise to the both of you is: Be as strong as you can, and when you don’t feel strong, allow yourself to break down and sob as much as you have it in you. Both are equally important.
I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts, and you, Leanne, have a whole community of Marla’s friends here in California who are praying for you.
And Dan, your writing is so heartachingly beautiful. Of course this is less important than Leanne getting well, but I do hope your words find their way to the right person. I’m sure they could help others going through this hell.
January 25, 2007 at 2:12 am
Lee, Dan and Lydia,
I read everyday. I think of you everyday..several times a day…I try to come up with ways to be close even though I am far away. I want to call but know you need your space, time to heal, time to think, time to be quiet and time to be a family.
I don’t write everyday and probably can’t write often because I am not a blogger, not a writer and not really a big group kind of gal. I’ve always been more of a one on one type, so please don’t think I am not here because I am and when you need me I’ll be there any way you need me to be.
Love,
FrancesMorgan’s Mommy.
January 25, 2007 at 3:23 am
Lee and Dan and Lydia -
Hi. Dan, thank you for your message. It was so good to hear from you. Yes, my family has kept up the tradition of bashing Miss America contestants – I think as we’re getting older, we’re getting meaner. Lee, I think my favorite pageant was the one you and I watched together in good ole South Carolina. Are you sure you don’t want to move back there? We fit in so well.
Guys, I read your blog every day and I am praying for you more than I think I have ever prayed in my life. Lee, my whole family remembers you and is praying for your health. You and Dan really made an impression on my parents.
I’ll continue to read and think of you everyday. I wish I were closer so I could do anything for you.
Dan, thank you for taking the time to keep us all informed.
Love, Bridget
January 25, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Lee, Dan, and Lydia,
Not only great writing, but scratch that—some wonderful news! Love that the itch and the lymph nodes are beginning to take notice that the fight is on—they have no chance!
Hugs,
Phyllis
January 26, 2007 at 3:48 am
Hi you three –
It’s been much to long since I’ve seen you all and I think about you often these days. Reading your blog sort of makes me happy for you, it’s such a beautiful way of staying present and being a part of this experience. My thoughts and hopes are for much healing and love to be in your lives now and in the future. It’s what you deserve. And yes, prednisone sucks, I remember that. But it does give you a great excuse to indulge yourself!
Much love,
Joel
May 3, 2007 at 9:08 am
[...] then i remember the woman who wrote us a month ago, after i wrote the post about itching, who said she just read our post and that she’d been itching since [...]
July 19, 2007 at 10:34 pm
[...] but the itch wasn’t on her skin, it was her feet, in her feet, and how could it not make her think back about the last time she itched. [...]