this is leanne writing. isn’t strange and funny how now, more than ever, daniel and i seem to blend together as one. yesterday was probably the worst day of my life. and then, tomorrow will be. and then many more. and then, hopefully some decent days with filter in. i finally slept last time for the first in over a week (with some help from Ambien). the past 2 days were such a bur- probably 2 total hours of sleep in this whole house. liddy waking, crying in the middle of the night, coming into bed with us and mummbling in her sleep- “mommy, where are you going?” that night, before trying to attempt sleep, i was incredibly beat. lid came to ask me to play and i told her that i wasn’t feeling well- she stomped her foot and said “no, i don’t like that” and then about 30 minutes later “I need my mommy to feel better”. i am trying sweetheart. i am really trying. it’s going to take some time. but i’m going to do it- for me, for all of our family, our friends, but mostly for you, Lydia.
that’s what i had to keep thinking of yesterday as more bad news kept getting dumped on us, and more doors closed, and more dreams seemed loss. danny and close doctors kept reminding me that i always say that my biggest priority is to keep being liddy’s mommy. and with that truth, came the awful, wrentching realization that this new baby cannot go on. i feel so bad about this- i kept thinking about this new baby and would start to try to put its needs or my needs to have it in front of my most important need- being your mommy. so tonight, daddy and i will write letters to who we thought was going to be the next member of our crazy fun family, sing songs, cry alot, hold you tight, let you entertain us and smile and laugh for us, and then we’ll let go. we’ll offer the baby thanks, admirations, and apologies. and then, we’ll hold each other and focus on health in the best way we can.
you all may see our light and hear our chants. sing along!
24 Comments
January 16, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Leann, Danny and Lydia-
I cannot imagine what you are going through! Every minute, every hour brings something new and unexpected. Ups and downs, with the ups being relatively up from down. Thank you for inviting us all along on your journey. My thoughts are with you.
With love,
Sarah
January 16, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Precious Ling Ling and Dan,
I cannot imagine what you are going through – it just tears at my heart for you. From nyc I will sing and pray for the spirit of ‘Loma’ and send good vibes to your heart and body.
January 16, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Lee,
What a beautiful life you have created. Certainly one that reflects your true beauty both inside and out, which I’ve always admired. Certainly one that enhances your individuality, sense of humor and remarkable strength, which I’ve always cherished. Certainly one worth fighting for, which I know you will do. And then when this part of your journey ends, you will make new beginnings by helping others, just as always. I know this because you are an Earth Angel…you have been mine. And your work here is not yet complete. So I say to you, “More life. The Great Work Begins.” (Angels in America)
Always, Marit
January 16, 2007 at 7:25 pm
You are so Good.
January 16, 2007 at 8:02 pm
my hands on yours, my singing with your voices. my incredible denver cousins, i love you and am sending all my positive energy to you. kick some butt and heal right quick!
January 16, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Dear Leanne,
More than anything we wish there was a way to take on some of your burden. So we cry for you and overeat for you and hyperventilate for you. We go shopping for rainbow makers for Lydia and earrings for you and journals for Dan. And we oscillate between the need to write and a sense of paralysis because whatever words our minds conjure don’t ever seem like quite enough. And yet, this letter you have written, besides being one of the most beautifully transcendent letters I have ever read, also gives me a great deal of hope. Matt and I noticed that when you had Lydia you came into your own in a way that was quite unusual and striking. Awe-inspiring. I feel some of this tremendous maternal energy now in your letter and believe its spirit will carry you (all of you) through. I also know that if I am ever blessed with a child the way you have been blessed with Lydia, I’ll look to you for inspiration. We are here for anything and everything.
My mom and dad and bro also send much love.
A huge virtual hug,
Flory
January 16, 2007 at 9:58 pm
I live in Siberia. It is very, very far North and very cold. It feels so far away…so distant. I long for closer proximity. I am grateful for you phone call yesterday, Leanne. Your voice is beautiful.
Yet I have built an arsonal of great power up here in Siberia. It is of the utmost capacity, for whatever is needed. Lovely Thoughts to be sure as well as instantaneous mobilization of forces for Lydia care, PT work, financial services, massage for any and all Weinshenkers, currier services and bland food preparations. My infantries are unexhaustable and the deadly power of my cancer-directed thoughts are omnipotent.
Thank you, Dan for setting up this blog (blog, right?). It gives me (we) a place to go to, a thing to lean on. A closeness. So now, in writing, I feel soothed. Less distant up here. Siberia feels less of a long way away. And I now have a renewed sense that no distance is too far for my Caring for you, Leanne, Dan, Lydia and family. I send you all the best of my thoughts and I am sure I will need to write to you again. Endless Love, Chris
January 16, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Lingling and Dan
You are amazing, your family is amazing, your friends are amazing. I watch in awe at your bravery and grace. Love always, Erica and Jeff
January 16, 2007 at 11:46 pm
linger,
writing to let you know that you are in my thoughts all day everyday. my family and friends are also here rooting for you. so many of your friends have said it so well. your sparkle and energy and joie de vivre will serve you well in this battle. we are here to support you every step of the way.
love,
-suz
January 16, 2007 at 11:52 pm
Haiku for Lee…
in awe of your strength
Lee, beautiful, surrounded
love and light, go fight
January 17, 2007 at 12:07 am
Leanne, Dan and Lydia,
I will pray, think and wish you healed. I don’t know you well Leanne, but I do know you are strong. You can beat this!
Love,
Laurel
January 17, 2007 at 12:15 am
Life has changed quickly, significantly, and unexpectedly. I’m certain that the positive change you all, and we all, hope for will hit with the same stealth and force.
D-.
January 17, 2007 at 12:40 am
I am so sorry Dan and Leanne. T. sent me the link and I’ve been reading and crying. My heart goes out to you.
Oppen’s “From Disaster” has been a comfort to me. I am sending it along with a transnational ohm. I can feel the universe stretching to contain your tremendous souls.
From Disaster
-George Oppen
Ultimately the air
Is bare sunlight where must be found
The lyric valuables. From disaster
Shipwreck, whole families crawled
To the tenements, and there
Survived by what morality
Of hope
Which for the sons
Ends its metaphysic
In small lawns of home.
January 17, 2007 at 1:17 am
Hi Leanne and Dan,
Art and I are with you and all who love you on this journey toward HEALING! I thought of this poem as a gentle reminder to not waste precious energy pushing away the unwanted feelings. Acceptance and moving toward the light…
love to you both and Lydia
Sandy and Art
The Guest House
“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.”
Rumi
January 17, 2007 at 1:56 am
Dearest Cousin –
Just got the news from Jamey. You are already in my prayers.
January 17, 2007 at 3:13 am
Lee, Dan and Lydia, I was thinking more today about the ripples created by your terrible news… my mom is praying for you, as are my sister, Dan’s mom and dad, and many of our friends and colleagues who have not had the joy of knowing you. I hope in the darkest moments that swell of love and support buoys you at least a little bit. I, too, am awed and deeply moved by your reflections on these last few days and your tremendous courage. You CAN get through this.
January 17, 2007 at 3:15 am
Lee, Dan and Lydia – tonight I lit a candle for you. I prayed that you would feel the love of your friends in Milwaukee and all over radiating to you in Colorado. Imagine that just one of those awesome toddler hugs from Lydia is from me. I love you.
January 17, 2007 at 3:46 am
Lele, one of many pet names for you spoken with love. i just arrived from work and read your honest, tender letter, and along with the tears came my incredible joy that my grand-daughter has you for her mommy. she is blessed, as are you. your light is not merely shining, it is sparkeling. and yes, i’m singing with you, out loud.
January 17, 2007 at 4:19 am
You are always in ours thoughts and I know you will survive this…somehow. You are full of passion, love, and hope and that will carry you through. We hold each other and our children and cry for your unimaginable loss and admire your strength. Beautiful woman, couple, parents, family, and friends feel our support and know that you are never alone.
January 17, 2007 at 4:34 am
Candle? We’re breaking out our menorah!
The perfect time for more miracles.
And we’ll sing and picture all of us singing and laughing and playing together. Eric wants us to sleep in a fort we’ll make out of our couch cushions.
We love you sooooo much!!!!!!
January 19, 2007 at 9:28 pm
Leanne,
Every day I meditate on you and imagine that the universe is raining crystals of golden light into your body. May your healing be gentle and kind.
What a fabulously beautiful family you are!
January 20, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Dear Leanne,
Growing up in Baltimore I didn’t really know you. As Marla’s friend you were always the “little sister,” there in the background, but not always noticed. Last year at Marla’s wedding it was so good to see you – grown up, beautiful and clearly so happy with your adorable little girl and your lovely husband. You were so there for Marla that day, it made me appreciate my own relationship with my sister – from fighting like cats and dogs in high school, to supporting each other as friends in adulthood.
When I got Marla’s email and heard the news I was shocked – as one always is by this kind of news – but after reading your blogs and Dan’s I was filled with hope. You write like survivors! When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer I didn’t let myself think for one minute – not for one second – about what my life would be like without her – I just couldn’t. Her dying was just not an option for me. I offer you the same thoughts every day from Seattle. You can beat this. You have to. There is no other option. So never stop believing in your ability to heal. The human body and spirit can heal in ways that are unfathomable to us.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” (Marianne Williamson) You ARE that powerful and you can heal this!
I belong to a healing circle of women who send distance energy every couple of weeks to people who need it or request it. (It’s kind of like a New Age prayer chain….) We have a bowl that we put names in (we call it The Love Bowl) and we send
loving energy to all those in the bowl. I have added you and your family to the bowl so know that prayers and healing energy are coming your way all the time.
Finally, I want to say I am so glad to see that Dan is looking for someone to do reflexology for you! One of the most amazing Naturpathic Doctors I have ever met says reflexology is the number one thing he prescribes for his cancer patients because he believes it increases the will to live. So get lots of reflexology, as much as your feet can stand!
Stay strong and be well.
January 20, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Goodmorning, I don’t know if my last notes actually got to you because I am so inept at this computer thing…but full in the heart when I read your truths: the facts and all that is inside of each of you. You are so precious to me. I cry with you, I rejoice in every moment of encouragement with you and I love you so much. Carolyn
January 20, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Leanne, Daniel and Lydia;
we got into Denver last night and immediately called Catherine as she had emailed us a couple days ago that she had some news about you. We’ve been crying for you since then. We’ve read your webpage and cried some more. Reading through it though, I see your’s and Dan’s spirit and joie de vivre. I see what I’ve always admired about you Leanne. Your strength, your character, your confidence and your assertiveness. It is those qualities that I love about you. It has been you that has kept me at Skyline when other positions have opened up. It is those qualities that will see you through this. You of course have all the strength of family and friends to draw upon but you also have the power inside of you to fight and win this battle. I have learned from you and want to thank you for what you have taught me. I so look forward to that future tuesday when I pull into the garage and see your green Subaru sans hubcaps. Its always a good day when I see that car but what a great, great day that will be!!!
Love, Scott and Amy.
P.S. I love your new do.